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Road Rage

So much changes when you have children! For instance, in the car! You can no longer listen (and rap) to Eminem on every single journey, with the sound turned up on full blast. Let’s face it, you don’t want your kids going in school singing about killing his wife. And you always have to take your coffee with you #mumlife.

Road rage changes too. For some reason it gets far more severe. (or it has in my case anyway lol). As well as the language, I tend to use more hand gestures now! Such as pointing to my eyes when someone has pulled straight out in front of me, even though the offending person can’t see or hear me it doesn’t stop me from doing it!

Allow me to explain, this week I have done a lot of travelling. With it being the school holidays we have been here, there and everywhere. Whilst I haven’t driven the whole time it hasn't dampened my road rage in anyway.
Road rage cartoon
This is when I have noticed how my language and driving skills have changed. My biggest care BG (before Gabe), was singing as loud as possible without hurting my throat! Now it seems you have to multi task between, singing Disney songs, making sure the snacks are ready to go when the kids inevitably kick off two minutes after getting onto the motorway, and making sure you have endless supplies of juice ready to pass into the back seat.
But this week i've discovered a new talent.. This talent is being able to follow the map when your son shouts from the backseat that you have turned the picture off of his favourite Disney film. WTF!

I also have another hidden talent, and that is to turn any swear word into something non offensive and sometimes quite cute and fluffy! I think it's
something that they should, teach you in those prenatal classes, they are all about your breathing techniques that go out of the window as soon as the first pangs of labour hit. But if they taught you how to swear without swearing that would stay with you for a lot longer!

Let me give you a few examples and hopefully this will help you not only during episodes of road rage but, episodes of parent rage, (I.E standing on that piece of Lego after asking 5 billion times for them to clean the ** up) episodes of work rage, and episodes of trolley rage! (it is a real thing to get road rage with shopping trollies it happens to me more than I would care to admit)

My top examples
Fuuuuuuudgesicle———fuck
Mother monkey———mother fucker
You absolute muppet———you absolute arsehole
Son of a monkey’s bum———son of a bitch
You coffee womble———cock womble (my favourite swears of all times)
Duck head———Dick head
Jichjcujsgyybkuufnkduui———when you can’t think of a replacement.
Pikachuuuu———seriously I do use this one.

So this was all going perfectly well until an Audi driver (I have nothing against Audi drivers by the way, but why do you always pick on me?) pulled right out in front of me, when I was in the middle of the chorus to ‘I just can’t wait to be king’ at the top of my lungs. I shouted louder than I thought possible “You absolute……………….” From the back all I heard was Gabe shout up “MUPPET”. Queue the tears of laughter and the thoughts of 'I hope he doesn’t repeat that at school.'
Young boy in a car seat
I also thank my lucky stars. It was one of those moments where we had been stuck in traffic for an incredibly long time, after stopping off for his 100th poo at the services he was finally asleep. I was so close to the slip road to get off the motorway and there was an opening so I took it. Going up the slip road at the speed limit and a very nice lady, decided to pull right out in front of me (for once it wasn’t an Audi) without having her indicators on or giving me any inclination that she was going to pull out at that exact moment.

I managed to jump on the breaks, but the road was wet and my back end ended up skidding out and jack knifing across the slip road. Luckily, I stopped in time and we didn’t end up having a crash! So, as you can imagine a tirade of abuse flew out of my mouth with every single swear, I could think of being launched at this poor woman. As well as hand signals. Now I am not proud of this in any way but, when you have kids in the back of the car you end up going into protect mode!

Once I’d calmed down, I realised that my son has probably just learned a whole new dictionary of words from his mothers’ potty mouth. I stopped at the lights and turned around to tell him that we never say those words EVER, and mummy was very sorry for saying such a lot of naughty words in one go!
I breathed a huge sigh of relief when I found him head back, mouth open, dreaming of warmer climes. Phew I got away with that one by the skin of my teeth.
Cartoon. Of a car driving away
So, I need new swear alternatives and I need your help. Post your favourite alternative swear words in the comments section below.
And don’t forget to read my other adventures (misadventures) here.

If you are an F-bomb mum like me then this is the mug for you. Can also be made as a travel mug xxx

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1 comment

  • Resonates so loudly with me!! I swear mine is worse as a passenger!

    Such a fun read, thanks for the laughs x

    Trina

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